Three Things I Learned About Men from an Emotional Detox
By Sherianna Boyle
At some point in your life, it is likely that you have heard that men have a difficult time with their emotions. You may have even come across some research or studies on “toxic masculinity” a term used for cultural mindsets which encourages boys and men to push (and bury) rather than experience or express what they feel. It is what sends males the message it is okay to be mad just not sad. As you can image this can be both confusing and damaging to the relationship men have with their emotions. Yet my experience as Emotional Detox Coach has provided me with a better understanding of how we can help men turn to rather than away from what they feel.
Before getting into each one, let me be clear this is my personal insight from my professional practice of years of working with individuals. Since this month Best Holistic Life Magazine is focusing specifically men’s, I thought it would be a good time to share some of what I witnessed followed by a few take away lessons for supporting men’s health.
Yet first, I think it is important for me to be clear, when it comes to an Emotional Detox it is never about getting rid of your emotions it is about getting to them. The approach I use most often is a mindful process I developed called Cleanse. The Cleanse is featured in my latest book Emotional Detox Now: 135 Self-Guided Practices to Renew Your Mind, Heart & Body as well as in Community Virtual Cleanses we offer live each week emotionaldetoxnow.com
The result, you discover pure feeling (without all that reactivity) actually makes you feel calmer, clear, present and free.
Here is what an Emotional Detox has taught me about men:
1. Men need time to process
This may come to no surprise to you, but men need time to process. You see quite a lot happens during a Cleanse. For example, we might begin the session focusing on Cleansing stress and then find ourselves in an entirely different direction. The cool part is each area we explore feels a lot like connecting the dots, and I find men’s brains love this.
Once they see the connection between the patterns of reactivity which may be surfacing in their life, their minds open in a new way.
When this occurs, I notice men need time to sit with this information. They are less likely (than women in my experience) to want to move onto the next thing.
Lesson: Get to know how the men in your life process information. What I have learned is some will get quiet, others might mow the lawn, where some benefit from physical touch. If you are unsure, be open to asking the men in your life how they take time to process what they feel and think. Be mindful not to ask too many questions as this may interrupt the process.
2. Men need to feel safe and respected
It is important to let men know ahead of time that they are safe and protected otherwise they may put up a guard. You see one of the beliefs I have cleared over and over with men is that for whatever reason they feel like they are in trouble. In other words, they can show up to a conversation expecting to be reprimanded or shamed.
When I ask men more about this, they often share the enormous expectations and pressure they feel have been placed upon them by society. Without awareness this can contribute to a pattern of motivating themselves from fear of failure. While this might work for men for a little while as you can imagine this way of functioning, thinking, performing can take its toll on men. Perhaps one of the reasons men (like women) are most at risk for heart disease.
Lesson: Men feel safe when those around them are calm. If you want a man that is in touch with his feelings or takes time to destress then individuals around this person need to take extra care to tend to themselves. The calmer you are the greater the chances the men in your life will consider being more open to expressing and processing what they feel.
3. Men need a voice
Men like women need to feel like they have a say in the matter. While women might not always like what they have to say, it is important to create space for this to occur. Without a voice man are more likely to shut down or turn to black and white thinking. For example, they are more likely to exit a relationship simply because they can’t see another alternative.
Lesson: Women be careful not to interrupt or judge what men are saying. I know this can be difficult to do. When we interrupt or tell me they are wrong for thinking or feeling the way they do they take it personally and this only shuts them down further. Instead, listen, breathe, and quit trying to change the men in your life.
If you are wondering after all of this if it is too late, know it is not. Men are hungry for this. By choosing to apply one or all of the lessons to your relationships with men you would be amazed how it can impact not only men’s lives in a positive way but also the lives of others.
Originally published in Best Holistic Health Magazine, Feb 2022.