Three Things You Ought to Know About Setting Boundaries
By Sherianna Boyle
Emotional Detox Coaching®
Setting a boundary can be difficult especially if it is with someone you see often. While some people may have no problem setting boundaries, saying no when they need to others really struggle with the idea. This may be for a variety of reasons. Some may avoid setting limits because somewhere in the past it caused too much of a rift in their life. While others have developed an internal story that setting limits makes you a mean person, difficult or selfish. Applying the three steps outlined below can help.
Yet before diving in, I highly recommend you first take yourself through a Cleanse. Cleanse is an acroymn for the seven steps of an Emotional Detox, featured in my new book Emotional Detox Now: 135 Self-Guided Practices to Renew Your Mind, Heart & Spirit. Inside you will find one practice specifically around boundaries. You see without Cleansing you are more likely to come from a place of reactivity.
What emotional cleansing does is dissolves tension caused by the stress of not having boundaries in place. Moving through a Cleanse before you implement boundaries can increase your ability to communicate with calm and ease. Without taking time to resolve unprocessed emotions, reactivity, old hurts, and wounds can seep in tainting the tone, and quality of your words and actions. Once you have Cleansed then apply these three steps:
Step 1: Set Your Intention
Intentions are not about the other person or even the situation, they are about you. Intentions help you get clear on what you are aiming for. If you are unsure, try asking yourself a few questions such as the ones outlined below:
What is the purpose of setting this intention?
What are you looking to increase in your life?
How might setting this intention serve you and others well?
Will your intention bring balance into your life?
Once you reflect on those questions you can begin to develop your intention. Here are a couple of examples.
My intention is to get to bed a by 9:30 p.m. each night. By setting a boundary of no texting or phone calls after 8 p.m. I will be able to achieve this goal.
My intention is to take time to exercise each day and by setting a boundary of when I will start (or end) work I will be able to achieve this goal.
Step 2: Be Clear & Specific
As you can see in the above examples it is very important that you are clear and specific with your boundary setting. When it comes to communicating those intentions, you are going to want to keep what you say and the way you say it short and sweet. The moment you start rattling on, explaining yourself, you risk crossing the line, from communicating to reacting. Reactivity will always create separation and shame. This is because it puts an undertone of it is because of you I feel and act this way. Instead, be clear and specific, something as simple as:
I can meet with you at noon today, but I have a hard stop at 1 p.m. may be sufficient.
Or
This works for me (e.g., hosting Holiday) this does not (traveling on Holiday).
Step 3: Consistency is Key
The final factor in boundary setting is it is essential to be consistent. You can’t flip flop. If you are going to leave at a certain time and punctuality is important to you, then leave. When you say one thing and do another your boundaries won’t stick. Remember people will make choices based on their history with you. If they know in the past you will wait around, they will bank on that. This can be tricky for some because it allows natural consequences to come into play. In other words, if you are late, you miss a ride to school.
Can you bend occasionally? Yes, for example if the weather is bad, you may give the other person a little extra time, so they don’t risk getting into an accident. With that said, once things fall back into a rhythm, I recommend you stick to what you said.
Here is the thing you ought to know, setting boundaries won’t always make you the most popular person in the room however, it will make you one of the more reliable ones. Reliability, consistency and clarity breed trust. Trust promotes an atmosphere of love, growth and harmony. So, I say keep setting those boundaries. Utilize these three steps and don’t forget to Cleanse.