Tips for Empaths: How to Set Effective Boundaries
I run into an old acquaintance in a parking lot and ask her how she is doing. Within minutes she is showing me pictures on her phone of her niece who is going through chemotherapy. Immediately, I could feel my stomach twist up in knots. I get in my car to drive back to work only to find my mind consumed with thoughts and feelings of what I just saw and heard. I take some deep breaths, but the thoughts keep intruding and now I am having trouble focusing on the things I need to get done. This is what life can look like for an empath when you don’t know how to set effective boundaries.
Here is the thing, you can’t control what other people say and do. Nor can you run away every time a potential conversation comes your way. Yet what you can do is increase your own understanding of how to take care of your energy and emotions so when you come across situations such as this, you don’t get the life sucked out of you. Learning how to set effective boundaries, can help all individuals (especially empaths) move through these situations with more ease.
What is an Empath?
Empaths are highly sensitive individuals who have a heightened sense of the thoughts and feelings of the individuals around them. This ability can be both a blessing and a bother. The blessing is empaths can be pretty keen at picking up things. In other words, they are often the first ones to pick up if someone is upset even if they look perfectly fine on the outside.
With that said, I think it is important to note, not all empaths are friendly. Some experience so much anxiety from having these abilities, it causes them to be a bit distant, fearful and at times withdrawn. This is because an empath who doesn’t have a clear understanding of his or her abilities might mistakenly believe these thoughts and feelings they are picking up on, are their own (rather than the other person). This can cause empaths to have a hard time making decisions and trusting others.
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a limit. It is your level of tolerance for certain situations. It could be a physical limit (e.g., such as a workload), a social (how much stimulation you can handle before needing a break), or a mental limit (talking about stressful things). With that said, these tolerance levels can change.
Depending on your levels of stress, familiarity, support, skillset or previous experiences these levels can fluctuate. The tips and tools below can increase your resiliency, so you can begin to embrace (rather than restrict or manage) your empathic abilities and set personal boundaries.
Tips & Tools
Ask Your Body
A great tip for empaths is to ask your body anytime you feel triggered if this is yours or someone else’s? In order to do that, you will need to remove yourself from the situation. Go somewhere private (like your car, outside or in the shower). Take a couple of deep breaths, inhale through your nose (inflating your abdominals) and exhale (pull your navel to your spine) through your nose. Then say out loud, is this mine? Observe your body for feedback. What you are looking for is some tightness. If your body responds with a tightness (perhaps in the shoulders or tummy area), consider it is yours. Then ask, is this someone else’s? Once again, observe your body for any tightness.
I find having this clarity can tone down reactivity. Otherwise, the feelings and thoughts can get overwhelming.
Move the Energy
Regardless of the answer (if it is theirs or yours) the next step is to move the energy inside your body. This can be done through practices such as stretching your arms overhead, singing, taking small sips of water, getting out in nature, yawning, opening a window for fresh air or taking slow deep breaths. There is no one size fits all here. You have to find the movement practice that works best for you. Keep it simple. Try one of the five-minute practices from the book Emotional Detox Now or a simple meditation like my Rainbow Meditation.
Person Rather Than Problem
Once you move the energy it is essential to focus on the person not the problem. For example, in parking lot situation above, I drove away thinking about the story I just heard. This increases the chances that I will get involved in the story in a way where I take on the energy around it. Empaths need to learn to focus on the person (which in this case is the woman I was speaking to) not the problems she is reporting. Here is the difference, when I focus on the person, I am able to send love and light. When I focus on the problem, I am more likely to get bogged down by the fear. This tip in itself, can be a true-energy saver for an empath.
Know When to Ask Questions
Empaths need to know when to ask questions. For example, if someone stops you to chit chat and you are in a rush this is not the time to ask this person how their family members are doing. Empaths need to learn to keep things short and sweet. A simple, it is great to see you, tell everyone I said, hello, still gives a message of love and support without going overboard. You can always follow it with let’s catch up at a later time when I am not in a rush. You also don’t want to get overly involved if you, yourself are struggling. For example, if your own stress levels are high, or you are feeling a bit sleep deprived, empaths need to learn to take care of their own needs first. You will be far more effective in how you serve others when you prioritize your physical and mental health.
Allow Space
Depending on your tolerance levels, empaths may need to allow space for emotional processing. For example, be mindful not to jump on the phone, scroll through social media or send a text right when you know something has shifted inside you. Instead, give yourself five-to-ten-minute breathing spaces. For example, I will often go for a brief walk outside, in between clients.
Making these few adjustments of asking who these thoughts and feelings belong to, keeping things short and sweet when you are rushing and allowing space for emotional processing can make a world of difference in the life of an empath.
Recommended Reading: Emotional Detox Now: 135 Self-Guided Practices to Renew Your Mind, Heart & Spirit.
Recommended Yoga Posture: Cat Cow Pose
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Recommended Meditation: Rainbow Meditation